Connecting in Adolescence: Communication Strategies for Moms and Teens

Many Moms find themselves feeling a bit distanced from their daughters as they enter the teenage years, and creating and nurturing emotional closeness is a challenge. The days of bonding while playing Barbies and healing a scraped knee with a kiss are long gone. You might now be greeted with slamming doors or the disappointment of her skipping your cherished pizza movie night for a hangout with friends.

So, why does this emotional gap tend to widen during the teen years? It's essential to recognize that it's not a sign of a complete relationship breakdown, but rather a natural part of their journey towards independence. During this phase, their friends often take the spotlight as they explore and prepare for adulthood. It might sometimes feel like you're speaking an entirely different language to each other. However, your emotional intimacy with your daughter isn’t gone; It’s just evolving.

Tools for Nurturing Connection

In the face of this shifting dynamic, let's explore some communication tools to help you bridge the emotional gap and nurture connection with your daughter during a time when connection might seem impossible.

Bring Awareness To Your Nonverbal Communication

Research shows that 70-93% of communication's impact comes from nonverbal cues. These nonverbals include facial expressions, posture, eye contact, tone of voice, touch, and physical closeness. Imagine this: your daughter confides in you about a tough day. How you respond matters. Saying, "That sounds really stressful. I’m sorry it was so tough," while your back is turned, while you're engrossed in sending an email, or while busily cleaning the kitchen conveys a different message than if you made direct eye contact, put your phone down, and moved closer to her. The latter approach signals that what she says holds immense importance to you, and you're genuinely committed to listening.

Emotional Self-Regulation

Emotional intimacy with your daughter largely hinges on your ability to self-regulate. She needs to trust that you can manage your emotions and behavior before she'll feel comfortable sharing hers. Remember the saying, "you can’t pour from an empty cup"? It holds true. To foster emotional closeness, prioritize self-care. Whether it's getting a massage, practicing meditation, exercising, attending therapy, or simply taking a moment to breathe, make sure your emotional well-being is nurtured! And Mama, you can always take a break from a heated moment. It’s better to postpone the conversation than to say something that causes a disconnect.

The Power of "I" Statements:

"I" Statements are, in my book, absolute magic. Picture this common scenario: your daughter leaves her trail of dirty dishes in the living room again. Now, you could go the traditional route with, "You're so disrespectful. You never clean up after yourself!" But we all know that this could easily escalate into a heated battle.

With an "I" statement, it takes a different turn: "I feel really disrespected when dirty dishes are left out. I need you to clean up after yourself." Notice the contrast? Starting a statement with “you,” can quickly become an argument because it feels like an attack. Starting with “I feel,” on the other hand, centers on you owning your feelings and expressing your needs clearly.

Validation

Validation is all about reassuring your daughter that her feelings, thoughts, and experiences are not just valid but also significant to you. It's not uncommon to see parents getting into debates with their kids about their feelings. “Zoey, you shouldn't feel sad about that. It's not a big deal." However, when we respond this way, it's like telling her that her feelings are wrong, and we're not truly listening. Validation, sounds more like this: "That was a really big deal to you, and it hurt your feelings. I can understand why that made you feel sad." It's about showing that you empathize with her perspective and that her emotions hold weight. Validation is huge for building trust in your relationship.

Avoid The Lectures

Lecturing often comes across as controlling and judgmental. Your daughter is likely to tune out or mentally disengage during a lecture, which means your intended lesson might not reach her, and your connection could take a hit. When you lecture, you end up doing most of the talking, missing a chance to build a stronger connection.

Instead, consider guiding your daughter through the problem-solving process. Encourage her to share her perspective and feelings about what happened. Show your support for her in overcoming the obstacle rather than passing judgment.

If lecturing tends to be your default communication mode, memorize this alternative approach for when she approaches you with a problem: "Do you want someone to listen, a partner in problem-solving, or advice?" This way, you're offering her the opportunity to choose the type of support she needs, fostering a more collaborative and open line of communication.

Ask Open-Ended Questions

Open-ended questions are your ticket to more profound and constructive discussions, ultimately strengthening the mother-daughter relationship. But how do you do this? Start your questions with words like "what" or "how" instead of "yes" or "no" inquiries. For instance, rather than asking, "Did you have a good day at school?" you could ask, "What happened at school today that made it a good day?" Avoid questions that may come across as judgmental or critical. For instance, instead of asking, "Why did you do that?" which can sound accusatory, try asking, "Can you help me understand your thought process behind that decision?" If your daughter responds with a brief answer, follow up with more open-ended questions to encourage her to elaborate. For example, if she says, "School was okay," you can delve deeper with, "What made it just 'okay'? Anything interesting happen?"

Keep Trying - She Needs You!

Adolescence is a period of significant emotional and psychological development, meaning your daughter is likely grappling with complex emotions and identity issues. Despite the nights she spends locked away in her room, she probably has a lot to talk about. So, don't put your communication attempts on pause. Keep knocking on that door and continue working to establish emotional closeness. She needs it now, perhaps more than ever.

In partnership with Hurdles in Heels