Her Voice Matters
"I can't clean up my toys right now! You're not listening to me!" Those were the fiery words of my 4-year-old after I had insistently asked her to tidy up her toys. Frustration got the best of me, and I responded with a firm, "I'm the parent, YOU listen to ME!" The result? A full-scale meltdown, with flailing arms and sobs. That's when it struck me - my approach wasn't effective at all.
The following day, I decided to have a conversation with her about our recent clash over toy-tidying. Instead of dwelling on her defiance, I wanted to understand her perspective. Her response surprised me, "You didn't let me talk, Mommy. It made me so mad. I needed to tell you something."
With curiosity, I asked, "Can you tell me about it now?" She explained, "I was working on a really important project. I was making a gift for my teacher, and I needed to finish it."
Suddenly, it all made sense. In her 4-year-old world, that project was of paramount importance. Instead of acknowledging her feelings and needs, I had slipped into "dictator mode" and decided what she should do that evening. I realized that if I had given her a voice in the matter, we could have found a compromise, building a stronger connection instead of creating distance.
This lesson served as a valuable reminder, not just for her early years, but for her future, especially as we navigate her teen years together. What do teenagers want most from their parents? To be heard and understood! Surprisingly, it's not all that different from when they're 4 years old. Granting our daughters the opportunity to express themselves or merely acknowledging their opinions is the building block for a close relationship.
So, how can you give your daughter a voice in the home and in your relationship as she matures into her teenage years? Let her decide on the evening meal, involve her in choosing the destination for your next family vacation, or allow her to choose her preferred chores. When a debate arises, like a request to attend a big party with questionable supervision, give her an opportunity to express herself and explain why it's so important to her.
Much like my 4-year-old's gift-making project, going to that big party feels crucial to your teenager. Share your concerns about her attending the party and your feelings about it. Collaborate to find a compromise, if possible, and let her actively contribute to the solution. Perhaps it involves having a few friends over as an alternative to the party.
And the takeaway from all of this? Learn from my mistake! The "I'm the parent; you do as I say" approach just doesn't work. Healthy relationships are built on collaboration. Allowing our daughters to have a voice demonstrates that their opinions and emotions matter to us, creating a connection rooted in empathy and understanding. When significant problems emerge, your daughter will feel safe coming to you, ready to share intimate details, secure in the knowledge that she will be supported and heard.
In partnership with Hurdles in Heels
